No sillies, no beer for school parties (but, boy, would it have been nice to have today). Remember, our kids are brainwashed to think alcohol is a drug after Red Ribbon Week (that is a whole other post).

Today, all 3 rugmonsters had their school Christmas parties (they did the dreidels earlier in the week). You do the math: 3 kids, 2 different schools, 3 parties, 1 mommy. All I could think about was the neighborhood block party that is sponsored by Abita beer this weekend (drool). Seriously, do any of you out there reading this blog remember having such over the top school parties as a kid? No wonder we have so many Super Snotty Obnoxious Sweet whatever expectations. I think school parties have become the new “Keeping up with Joneses” thing for schools. “Hey Becky, I heard that school Wannabeobnoxious was flying in a bunch of Ninjas for their party. We should fly in a whole NFL team and Chuck Norris.” Or maybe these parties were invented by the same freaking moron who invented “loot bags.” This evil concept requires the parent to pay a ton of money to entertain Johnny and his friends that he has never played with outside of class. Johnny gets presents and then…get this…you the parent who have just shelled out tons of money is now expected to give the little monsters a gift bag of stuff to go. What the heck? Back to the subject at hand – SURVIVAL!

Here are a few tidbits from this seasoned homeroom mom and volunteer idiot:

1. Get there early and wear comfortable walking shoes. I parked in Slidell today for a party in Mandeville and it was raining too – lurvely!
2. Do not forget to bring the item you signed up for 6 months before the party. Because your kid who can’t find her shoes each morning and forgot to remind you something she was supposed to remind you about the day before – will IMMEDIATELY remind you as you enter the door for the party that you were supposed to bring something very important.
3. Make sure that your teacher’s gift has the best presentation. It ain’t about the gift – but who has the best gift bag! You’d do better putting a marble in a gift bag with 2 tons of tissue paper and a pretty ribbon than handing your teacher $100 in cash in a handmade card. Well, at least in the mind of your child.
4. If you are leading a craft – TRY IT AT HOME FIRST!!! D’oh!
5. DO NOT…I repeat..DO NOT buy any of those cheap Oriental Trading Company foam crafts! Most of them require an 18 hour course, a magnifying glass to read the size 2 font, and 70 types of industrial strength glues! 7 year olds and hot glue or crazy glue is lethal! Recall how many times you “accidentally” (you know you tried it at least once for real) burned your fingertip on a glue gun or glued your fingertips together with crazy glue!
6. If you are making a “take home and give to parent” gift…DO NOT do anything that requires drying of any kind. Nothing screams disaster more than a gift Johnny made for his Mama that leaks through a paper bag in their backpack and has completely fallen apart while you have to assure them it is the most beautiful piece of foam and glue you have ever seen in your life when you open it up and pretend you had no idea it existed!
7. Don’t think you can stand around and chit chat – this is work my friends…snap snap!
8. Be ready to deal with a room of overly-excited kids who just shoveled in larger quantities of sugar than alloted for a lifetime in a matter of minutes!
9. Come with a strong stomach because a class party isn’t a class party unless someone pukes up the 16 brownies they ate under 10 seconds!
10. Keep dreaming of the beer you can grab later when the 2 hours of hell quality time with your kid is over.

T-shirt stolen borrowed from here.
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